Is it just me, or is it wrong that Andrew thinks the only way our marriage can survive is if we have a baby? Where’s the compromise? Why does he have to make this all about him?
I never in a million years thought I’d be here, on the brink of a marriage breakdown less than three measly years into our “forever.” How can you marry someone and end up like this so soon? I feel like a total failure. All this love stuff and now I don’t even want to look at him because I am just so resentful. The person I chose to love more than anything in this world (because you love your family unconditionally anyway) and he’s forcing me to choose between everyone else’s happiness (his words, not mine) and my own.
Can I really just turn my back on our marriage? Like f*ck it, it’s ok. It was fun while it lasted but now it’s time to move on. Do I want Kellie and Elysium to be those kids at school whose parents aren’t together anymore?
Then again, if I do get knocked up and further down the line this marriage falls apart I’m probably going to be the one who is going to have custody of this child, this child that right at this moment in my life, I don’t want.
I’m the one in this marriage that knows what it’s like to be pregnant, to give birth, to have an infant 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… and I know it’s not all peachy, and I know that you fall in love with your baby but I also know that sometimes people just don’t. Some mothers don’t... What if I am one of those mothers? What if I end up like that Andrea Yates woman with post-partum depression or psychosis and then I just want to murder my children?
Who has to get pregnant? Who has to have morning sickness? Who has to carry this child for 9 months? Who has to go through labour and delivery? Breastfeeding? Who gives up her job? Who does the night feeds because her husband has work the next day? Who still has to clean the house, run errands, look after the other kids and cook dinner? And who gets to come home, change a few nappies, play with the baby and thinks he is the bee’s knees because of it?
Yeah, that’s right.
I know that this blog is emotional and it probably sounds ridiculous and it may also sound unreasonable but this is not what a husband is supposed to do. I think about all of this and I think maybe, just maybe I should get over myself and do it. For Andrew, for the girls, just do it. But then I sit here and remember the vows we chose for our wedding and I wonder where the “my love for you is eternal… my commitment to you is forever” stuff is now.
I don’t know what to do.
This whole situation is just so, so... fucked up.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Pursuit of happiness
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There comes a point in your life when you realise who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future ♥
The word God is, for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weakness, the Bible a collection of honorable, but still purely primitive, legends which are nevertheless pretty childish. No interpretation no matter how subtle can (for me) change this. -- Einstein
2 comments:
Wow, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this! Babies are known to cause lots of marriage drama - I see plenty of it in my future (we already have argued it a bit and this kid isn‘t even born!). I can completely see why you don’t want a baby right now. Paragraph # 6 says it all! We do all the crappy stuff and dad’s get the fun parts - minus a few diaper changes. Babies aren’t all the bundles of joy they’re played up to be. Plus there is a lot of fear, what could go wrong, how you’ll feel about this new person, your future. I can see why he wants a baby too, but I don’t think forcing you into it is the best way to go about it. That’s really something you both need to be on the same level for. Having a child can’t be a 1-way street, that never works out. Have you told him what you wrote? I mean, maybe he needs to hear it bluntly to understand. You two are young, it’s not as if you’re going to be 40 next week, there are plenty of baby-making years ahead. I hope you two can work it out!
Jenna, how are things? Has there been any improvements over the past few days?
You definately shouldn't be forced into a baby, and if you both want to work on the marriage, you can find a way. But you both deserve to be happy, and from the sounds of it, that definately isn't by you having a baby yet.
I hope the new week has brought on some new changes.
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