I peed on a stick..

Big. Fat. Negative.

To tell you the truth I am relieved. Dare I say it, I’m happy. Don’t get me wrong, I want another child but right now, like this, I just don’t know if it’s right. I really don’t want to write about this but I need to because the situation is driving me insane. Andrew and I don’t agree, plain and simple. He wants a baby, I want a baby but he wants one NOW and he wants me to be the one to have it. I’m just not that sure about the whole thing… I would love to adopt a child or become a foster parent, or have our own biological baby in a couple of years but convincing him is just so…… difficult. We aren’t even 25 yet, I just don’t see what the big rush is. I am enjoying life would be enjoying life if I didn’t have this issue to stress over night and day. Kellie and Elysium are independent. We can go out without worrying about them so much. We can do more things with them. It is fun. Babies are fun too, but hard work. They need you 24/7 and it’s just not all that attractive to me at the moment.

If you are thinking it, YES, we did discuss children before we got married and we both decided we wanted another child before 5 years but things have changed since then. I know, I know… *I* am the one changing the rules. What right do I have to act like I’m the one who is being hard done by? I am not belittling what Andrew went through when we lost our baby because the fact is, it did affect him. Probably more than he wants to admit, but how the hell would I know? He doesn’t talk about it. At the end of the day, he didn’t go through what I did. I am glad he didn’t because it was hell, months of pure hell. I NEVER want to go through that again. EVER.

Truth is, I have spent hours and hours thinking about our lives – what we’ve been through, what the future may hold. Children, pregnancy, adoption, foster parenting, miscarriage. You name it, I’ve thought about it; in the car, at work, in the shower, cooking dinner. I have never really been in control of my life. Things just happen and I deal with it. Both Kellie and Elysium were surprises. I wouldn’t change them for the entire world but I just have a hard time trying to figure out what I really want, and if what I really want is something that I will actually be able to live with and cope with – good times and bad.

I guess when it comes down to it, and the worst part of all, the thing that I really don’t want to admit? I’m afraid. Good old fear, of pretty much everything. Everything that could go wrong – now, in a few weeks and in the years to come. More than anything else, I feel guilty about the cancer gene. It’s too late to take it back from Kellie and Elysium (if they inherited it) but I don’t have to knowingly risk passing that on to another child.

Since Sophie was born I have realised, from an outsider’s point of view, how truly amazing the whole thing is. It’s kind of like going something ridiculously scary, sky diving maybe. You’re standing at the exit to the plane, 15,000 feet in the air and the more you thing about it, the more the whole thing freaks you out. The more you are convinced that you shouldn't be doing it. What if you get hurt? What if things end badly? I guess I am one of those people that needs to be pushed out of the plane because I am too chicken shit to take a leap of faith.

For anyone who reads this and is on Andrew’s side, that’s fine but I am really not interested in hearing about it. I totally understand where he is coming from, I already feel guilty enough about everything. I just can’t do something I am not 100% dedicated to. Have you ever held your dead child in the palm of your hand?

I just don’t know if this is a topic you can compromise on.. Is the person who has to make that compromise going to be truly happy?

Oh god. My marriage is in trouble.

Did I really just write that? Is this really happening? I think I want to throw up.