This is not a word I often use to describe my life, and I guess at times, like recently, it's fair enough. I have however been feeling slightly guilty because my family has some very huge, exciting news. In the face of everything else, we are blessed.
I'm going to be an Auntie.
I haven't shared this yet because truthfully, it hurts. I have become a hypocritcal witch, one who used to roll her eyes at the person I have become. A woman who has a little slither of resentment towards those who can get pregnant and stay pregnant - something which seems to have eluded me for the past 2 years. I am now someone who gets annoyed at pregnant woman. Pregnant woman who could care less, like this woman and others who complain about their morning sickness, weight gain, cankles. All the very things I moaned about when I was pregnant. I am now one of those people who finds whens things get a little too much they can't help but go on about how life is so unfair.
Which it is, but anyway.
Instead of being blessed with my own baby next May I will be blessed by becoming an Auntie in April. My sister told me she was pregnant when she was over for Sunday dinner. I just about peed my pants I was so excited for her.. My motor mouth was going 100 miles an hour about how cool it was going to be, how excited I was, how I couldn't believe it.. especially since we will..... She asked me especially since what? and I said 'oh don't worry' and she said insisted I tell her what it was even though I didn't want to, since this was her moment. Eventually, I looked at her and screamed 'I'm pregnant too.' We both couldn't believe it, there were so many OMGs and we spent the rest of the night talking about how cool it was, how we were pregnant together and we'd be able to do everything together since we were only a few weeks apart.
Three days later our baby was gone. We were once again in this position. We lost another child. One who came with me on my first vacation to the South Island, who was with me when I tried (and failed miserably) to ski for the first time. A child who was due on not just any day but my birthday.
I'm going to be an Auntie.
I haven't shared this yet because truthfully, it hurts. I have become a hypocritcal witch, one who used to roll her eyes at the person I have become. A woman who has a little slither of resentment towards those who can get pregnant and stay pregnant - something which seems to have eluded me for the past 2 years. I am now someone who gets annoyed at pregnant woman. Pregnant woman who could care less, like this woman and others who complain about their morning sickness, weight gain, cankles. All the very things I moaned about when I was pregnant. I am now one of those people who finds whens things get a little too much they can't help but go on about how life is so unfair.
Which it is, but anyway.
Instead of being blessed with my own baby next May I will be blessed by becoming an Auntie in April. My sister told me she was pregnant when she was over for Sunday dinner. I just about peed my pants I was so excited for her.. My motor mouth was going 100 miles an hour about how cool it was going to be, how excited I was, how I couldn't believe it.. especially since we will..... She asked me especially since what? and I said 'oh don't worry' and she said insisted I tell her what it was even though I didn't want to, since this was her moment. Eventually, I looked at her and screamed 'I'm pregnant too.' We both couldn't believe it, there were so many OMGs and we spent the rest of the night talking about how cool it was, how we were pregnant together and we'd be able to do everything together since we were only a few weeks apart.
Three days later our baby was gone. We were once again in this position. We lost another child. One who came with me on my first vacation to the South Island, who was with me when I tried (and failed miserably) to ski for the first time. A child who was due on not just any day but my birthday.
For every second you were here you meant the world to us.
That will never change.
3 comments:
I'm sorry Jenna. That would be so hard. If it's any help, my best friend's sister and sister in law were both pregnant and due within a few days. Her sister ended up miscarrying while her sister in law went on to have a healthy little boye. But her sister just welcomed her own new baby this weekend just gone.
I hope you get your wish soon.
I'm so sorry Jenna. I don't know what else to say. Life is cruel and unfair and I am so sad for your losses :(.
I can relate to paragraph #2, I know that "person" all to well. She's currently hiding somewhere deep down, I'm sure she'll come to face again. *sigh*
I'm sorry for you loss and for the moment in which it happened. Life has a way of doing the most cruel thing and finding the most cruel time to do it. It's really not fair at all.
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