A year gone by

This time last year our family numbered 5, for a little while at least, until we got the news that our little baby was gone, and had been gone for several weeks. This year we could've/should've/would've had a 6 month old. Life would be very different. I'm not one of those people who thinks that everything happens for a reason (in fact, I think I detest that saying more than any other) but I am happy with life now. I have 2 beautiful girls who aren't babies anymore. They are fun, entertaining, imaginative and independent. I'm loving this age. At the moment Elysium is pretending that our house is a zoo (I guess at times that's not too much of a stretch of the imagination) and she has assigned us all a new name and an animal. Kellie is Kiki the Monkey, Elysium is Ellie the Elephant, I am Tulip the Lion, Andrew is Coco the Giraffe and Dad is Frosty, a Polar Bear. Sometimes she'll pretend that she's the zoo keeper and she will get us biscuits and drinks and "feed" us. It's hilarious, really.

So onto the point of this post, I'm not angry or bitter anymore and although there are moments of sadness they are more manageable and bearable now. It was one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride. Shock, denial, pain, sadness, anger, grief. The physical pain, the crushed dreams, the lack of understanding and compassion. The fact that somewhere amongst all that blood and "stuff" was our third child. Gone forever. The fact that everything I went through was not to get something in return, but to lose something precious. That weekend one year ago I bled so much I passed out, so much I needed 2 blood transfusions, so much I literally thought I was going to die. It took a long time, even longer than I expected but we seemed to finally get to the end of it.

I still wonder WHY. It's like a scab that you know you shouldn't pick at but you do anyway. I don't think "everything happens for a reason" and I don't think it's made me a stronger person. If it ever happened again (touch wood), I would probably crumble to a thousand pieces all over again but it has helped put life into a bit more perspective. It has helped me to understand that even the smallest person in your life can be worth everything to you, that everyone deals with life differently and that the are no wrong or right ways to feel or to cope. Through all of what the last 12 months has thrown at me there are things I am thankful for; blood donors because without them I probably wouldn't be here today; my beautiful girls, for helping me appreciate the smaller things in life; my husband, who is always; my bestfriend, for the numerous hours she listened to me cry, complain and cry some more; my dad, for reading my long emotional emails (and there were many); and last but not least to all of the people, in "real life" and online for the kind words and support. So whenever I start to feel down about it all and the thousands of "what ifs/I wonder/if onlys" start to get ontop of me I remember how much I do have and how lucky I am, but I also remember that I have something, someone to mourn the loss of, and that's ok too.

A part of my heart is missing because I gave that part to you
I knew I was going to lose you and there was nothing I could do
They say there is always a reason but that didnt ease the pain
I thought my heart had broken and I would never laugh again.

I asked a thousand questions and I cried a million tears
We planted a rose in your memory that will grow for years and years
There are questions still unanswered and tears I will always cry
There is a question that will never be answered, and that is simply WHY?

Baby R ♥ 24.08.07
If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.