Anniversaries

When Andrew and I picked this date for our wedding over 5 years ago I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. Today is not only our anniversary, but the 10th anniversary of my brother’s passing. When we exchanged vows that day I was excited that without ever forgetting Sean, we would have something to smile about when we got to November 11 each year. But there is not a lot to smile about this year. No celebration of making it through four years of marriage, because we haven’t. Whatever Andrew decides to do, because the ball is in his court – after all, I’m the one who managed to screw up this marriage, he needs to decide if it’s worth saving – I will feel lucky that for three and a half years, despite everything we went through and the losses we suffered, we had an amazing marriage.

I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my marriage may be over. I really hope that Andrew is taking this time to reflect on the amazing life we had and realise that our beautiful family, and me are worth coming back for.

It’s weird living alone. I hate taking out the rubbish, something little that he always made sure I wouldn’t have to do. The girls miss him coming home from work, laughing at dinner time, helping with homework, reading them stories and watching movies with them. They miss him pretty much all the time. Elysium dreams about him coming home. I’m miserable, they’re upset & it’s all my fault.

Can 2010 just be over already? Fingers crossed 11/11/11 will be a happier day.