deuxbellesfilles

This is going to be a whole mish-mash of things all in one because I was going to blog on Wednesday night but our internet modem decided to crap out on us and I had no link to the online world. $198, 4 1/2 hours and 3 phone calls to the helpline later (every time I managed to get the same guy, I'm sure he was thinking "oh for f*ck sake, not you again") we were back up and running :)

For those of you who do read this and think that I am a slack blogger I often type up long entries and never publish them. Somethings are just too personal for a public site that anyone in the world can read. I hate that about blogger, you're either exposed to every one and anyone or totally private. For my technically challenged family members who don't want to sign up to this site (which is fair enough) I made it public but there is a lot of stuff I don't want the randoms who stumble upon my blog to know. Blogger should take a leaf out of Xanga's book. I don't even know why everyone left Xanga, it was way more user-friendly. I felt like a complete moron the first 20 times I used blogger and I still have those moments now.

Hopefully this blog will make sense, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. How do you sleep when you know someone important to you is in pain, living the last moments of his life several hundred kilometres away?

This morning, our family lost a very special member; my great-uncle. We seem to produce really awesome men in this family only to have them taken away far too soon. Always the life and soul of the party and probably the loudest and most outgoing person a family could ever have. He could definitely be annoying at times, especially when you had a headache ;) but what we wouldn't give now to have that loudness back.

So many memories; the annual Boxing Day BBQs, how we would talk for ages about Christmas decorations and how much we loved to light up the entire house while everyone else thought we were lame, how when I was 7 and we'd just moved house he came over and jumped all over our bunk beds like a 6 year old, how when we stayed at their enormous house Kellie was yelling out "Mummy, I'm lost, I've found ANOTHER toilet"

Cancer has stolen another member of our family. Another misdiagnosed tumour, months of chemo, radiation, operations, more tumours, spreading cancer, more operations. 6 months of hell. 6 months of suffering. Rest in peace now, you deserve it ♥

I'm going to go from one depressing topic to another (I am such a box of fluffies, huh?) but this is the blog I wrote the other night.

For those of you who don't know me personally you may or may not know that I have 6 sisters. Yes, you read right, 6. This isn't really the place to write about why there are so many of us, that's a whole different kettle of fish and believe me, quite the story but amongst all of the girls we finally managed to get a boy. He was subjected to things that shouldn't really happen to little boys. He was made to wear dresses and have tea parties, play with dolls and barbies but more than anything else he loved trains. And me.

If you don't know anything else about me then you probably know that my mother and I don't get along. For those of you who are out of the loop, let's just say she has some issues and wouldn't be nominated for a mother-of-the-year award anytime soon. That's how I came to spend pretty much every available second of everyday with my little brother. He was the first face I saw in the morning and the last one I saw at night and for the last 3 months of his life we spent all day, everyday together. Everyday except Saturday, November 11, 2000. The day that for the longest time wasn't Saturday but the-day-that-Sean died. Armistice Day or Rememberence Day, depending on where you live. The day that is now, in a misguided attempt to try and erase the horror of that day, my wedding anniversary.

Saturday was his birthday. Would've been his birthday. The weather was shite which was perfect. I don't think I could've faced a beautiful day. The rain, the hail, the thunder, it all summed up the occasion. Miserable. I was going to try and let this day pass without thinking about it, without acknowledging it and without writing about it because in some ways it feels like I don't have a right to anymore. 2,796 days have passed. Two thousand seven hundred and ninety six days. It seems like a long time but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. In some kind of cruel coincidence last Friday night a song came on the radio. Not any song but John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy." A song that sums him up so perfectly in 2 little words. A song that even has his name in it. The song we played at his funeral.

So on Saturday I went to the cemetery. I sat there through the rain and the hail. It's surprising how many people you see there on a day like that. I had a conversation with a woman who'd recently lost her son.

Her: It's been a while
Me: Yeah...
Her: They say it gets easier
Me: It doesn't
Her: He must've been pretty special
Me: You have no idea
Her: Well, everything happens for a reason I guess
(Have I ever mentioned how much I f-ing hate this saying)
Me: It's been 7 years and 8 months, I'm still waiting for a reason.

I didn't just lose a brother that day, he was more like a son to me. He was the best thing in my life. A beautiful, beautiful boy. Gone but definitely not forgotten ♥

You’re still a part of everything I do.
You’re on my heart just like a tattoo.
Just like a tattoo, I’ll always have you.


Click the bear to listen to Beautiful Boy

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy. Darling, darling, darling Sean ♥